Tuesday, April 12, 2016

My story about Vocation

"To get to love the person, we must come in close contact with him... I believe in person to person; every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is only one person in the world for me at that moment."
Mother Teresa
  I was traveling with my husband and kids, and it was a crowded flight. As often happens, an announcement came over the loudspeaker that the crew was in need of medical assistance for a passenger, and would a doctor or nurse please respond immediately.  As a former ICU nurse, I was used to responding to such calls, however, I had allowed my license to expire while I homeschooled my kids, so this time I felt sure, on a packed flight such as this one, there would be far better options than myself.  A minute or so had passed and a second appeal for help was made over the loudspeaker.  My husband, who has always supported (and sometimes pushed) me to 'do my thing', kicked me in the shin and gave me an incredulous look as if to say 'Someone needs help.  Do something!'.  I reluctantly raised my hand and explained to the approaching flight attendant that while I am a trained nurse, I am NOT currently licensed and perhaps there is someone else available?  There wasn't.  I would do, she said as she placed a guiding hand on my shoulder gently pushing me towards the front of the plane.
  He was a sixty-something, chronically-afflicted-with-many ailments, frightened man gasping for breath.  He was pale and diaphoretic with a rapid pulse, and the portable O2 sat machine he sported was registering in the 70's.  The flight crew had assigned a young crew member to assist me and upon obtaining a set of vitals,  I immediately asked him for portable oxygen, and how much do we have on this plane?  After getting him on some oxygen I performed as quick a history and physical as I could, reporting my findings to a medevac nurse on the ground via another crew member. The gasping man wanted to talk.  You see, as soon as I knelt in front of him and placed my hands on him, his breathing began to slow. He wanted to tell me about himself.  I couldn't let him expend oxygen he didn't have to spare, so I kept firm control of the conversation.  As his O2 sats slowly (too slowly for my comfort) began to rise (eventually to low 90's) with the supplemental oxygen, I rewarded him by letting him share more verbally.  Medevac nurse and I determined we would not have to make an emergency landing provided he remained stable. There would be emergency services waiting for him on the tarmac when we landed.
  So I listened as he shared.  The more he talked, the calmer and pinker he became.  He lived alone, but had friends who, ( unbeknownst to me) were on that very plane traveling with him. His world had become small as he daily felt the limitations of chronic illness.  He had good doctors that were attending to his many, many needs.  And he was very grateful I was there.  Very grateful.
  After signing various papers (and thinking, 'really?  there was no one else on this plane that could have done this?'), I returned to my seat for the remainder of the flight.  I knew the whole thing could have gone sideways.  I had been mentally going through my ACLS protocols.  He was not a well man.  I was shaken but relieved that, for the moment, he was alive.  He didn't die on my watch.  I then allowed myself to feel the satisfaction you get from doing something you love to do.  And I realized, I do love being a nurse.
  When we deboarded, the medical responders were waiting for my patient, as promised.  As they were situating him, his friends saw me coming into the terminal.  One yelled, "Hey Doc!", as he energetically waved to me, and then, "Hey, thanks Doc!".  And my patient caught my eye and gave me a smile and a wave.  I smiled back and told him to take care.  Part of me wanted to correct him, "I'm not a doctor -- just a nurse (yikes! and not even a registered one!)"  That confusion has happened before, as sometimes it will, in critical situations where it can be hard for patients and their families to keep track of who is who on the health care team.  But in a way, that guy named me that day.
  I didn't realize it then, but I was being called back into nursing. My horizon is changing in a way I did not see coming. Interestingly, a certain restlessness, that I had been struggling with for some time, has now quieted. I had been wondering "what do I want to be when I grow up?", and I now know I want to be what I've already been:  a nurse.  It's true that this time around, I'd like to treat and care for my patients before they get to intensive care.  It's true, I've decided to get more education to be able to make that happen.  Ironically, doing so will earn me the title of Doctor, as in I will be a Doctor of Nursing Practice.  I will do many of the same things physicians do, yes, but I will continue to be, and be very proud to be... just a nurse.

   I still homeschool my kids.  I will happily finish what I started there.  One thing I have found hard to teach is the idea of vocation.  Now I see that it will not be taught as much as it already has been, and will be, modeled.  So while I study Latin, Logic, Science and Literature alongside my kids, I also study nursing and statistics (for re-entry and for grad school).  As I talk to my son about how to prepare his college applications, I am preparing mine!  At the end of the day, I will know I have done what I was meant to do.  I have a long way to go to reach my end goals, but I have long-ago learned that what God calls me to He will prepare me for.


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Just Post It!

The truth is I'm never quite sure what I'm supposed to do in this space.  Is it meant to be a place for a platform?  No, I don't think so.... I'm not much about platforms.  Is it a place where I can lay out my angst-ridden thoughts.... where not so many will see, but I'll feel like I got 'something' off my chest anyhow?  Ah... no.  Too much of that happens in social media without enough pay-off.  Should I find that ONE THING to write about?  My niche?  I don't have a niche.  I do too many things not-very-well, and my interests are all over the place, so that knitting blog will have to wait.

I think what I've settled on is .... focusing on what IS, instead of what isn't.  For sure, my household is a happening place and there's lots going on there.  We live in an amazing place and we do some pretty cool things and we love some awesome people.  My day-to-day life really does give me enough material to work with here.  I'm sorry I ever lost sight of that when it came to the electronic journal.  I really like sharing my life with other people, and when I see sweet pictures of friends (and even strangers!) sharing the beauty of their mundane I want to raise my hand and say, "Me too! Me too!".

So here are some pics get us re-started:

The sunset view from a favorite cafe
19 Years!

Learner's Permit
a dog that watches TV
First College Class
We send love

She studies

We adopted a grown up

We are keeping it real over here-- still homeschooling.  The kids participate in Classical Conversations, where I am also a tutor in the Challenge Program.  Samuel started at PCC-- for Spanish only at this point.  He's learning to drive-- help us.  Greg continues to enjoy working for Columbia-Threadneedle, and we are ever so grateful for this.  Both kids swim for a local swim club, and we are well into the short-course season, so lot's of racing ahead.  We welcomed our dear friend, Lydia, into our home and she makes her home with us now while she figures out what comes next.  Samuel is practicing his sweet fingers off preparing for his Level IX Syllabus exam.  SG is growing up too fast, focusing on school and swim, while dreaming about sea lichens, coral reefs and other such ocean wonders.  We are involved in our church, but that looks much differently than it ever did before.  It's becoming, we realize, less and less about ourselves.  Huh.

I could go on and will, but in little snippets, as that is such a fun way to make memories last.  :)


Wednesday, October 7, 2015


As the new-ness of the school year begins to wear thin, the bustle of it remains thick and daunting like the dense fog of an early fall morning.  And like so many leaves scattered and littering sidewalks and yards, so are my thoughts.  I've never been one to claim attention deficit, but surely I must exhibit something very close to it just now.

But flitting ideas and concepts do nothing to further my cause of domestic stability, redemptive education, family connection, and even more foundationally-- worship.  Like anyone, I have demands on my time that refuse to bow to lesser distractions.  There are meals to plan, shop, and prepare for; a husband to love both in thought and in deed; children to nurture, disciple and educate; family and friends to connect with and pray for; neighbors to befriend; a world to serve and witness the gospel to; beds to make; carpets to vacuum; bathrooms to scrub; furniture to dust; a yard to mow and groom; a dog to feed and walk; chickens to tend and care for; a garden to plant; marketplace business of buying what we need and selling/giving what we don't; college classes, drivers ed, Bible studies; a part-time job that blurs into full-time-most-of-the-time; a God to know and worship and serve.

My list is not exhaustive nor is it especially  more involved than anyone else's.  It is much, though, and yet... I can feel a lot of burden and unease over all that I am NOT doing.  I've fed no widows or orphans lately.  I've not rescued any refugees or busted down the doors of any human traffickers. Ive not even invited my hurting neighbor over for supper yet.  I have met small needs as they have literally bumped into me on an ordinary day:  a phone call here, a prayer there, some grocery money, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.  By the measure of need, it's not enough.  I wrack my brain considering which of, and how many of, my priorities are superfluous.  How much of it all is dusty chaff?  Some days I don't know and this, too, is distraction.  At the end of myself, with no slack left, I see the answer.  I am not enough.  I do not do enough.  The things I do are, maybe often, the wrong things.  If I'm not careful this is where condemnation could creep in with feelings of guilt and shame at every blog post I read, or sermon I listen to admonishing me to be someone I have not yet become.  The weight of this judgement is suffocating, or at least it would be if it were, indeed, judgement.  But there is a big difference between judgement and exhortation, even if the difference is only in how you perceive it.

And so, at the end of myself is not a bad place to be after all.  The exhortation here is that, yes, I am not enough -- nothing new there.  My God has always been enough and that has been the moral to every story ever told, including mine.  For now, I am still hanging on to my house is suburbia and carting my kiddos around to their various activities.  I'll not be selling all my worldly goods and going to work with Doctor's Without Borders or Mercy Ships,  or enrolling in Law School so that I can work pro-bono in the name of social justice.  I'm not dragging homeless people off the streets and into my home and I'm not strapping an Uzi to my back and fighting ISIS.  And maybe none of those things are enough either, and maybe that's the point.  So I'll keep on in the way I know and trust God to bend my way as He sees fit.  He'll speak, and I'll hear, even in my lame, quotidian faithfulness.
Just now, He's telling me to go pick my kid up from youth group.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Seeing What Needs to be Seen

"...but whenever a man turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away."
                                                                                         ~ The Apostle Paul

There is a liberty that comes from having right perspective.  In a world full of broken people various circumstances and relationships are often like so many pieces of shattered glass fanned out about a walking path-- annoying at best, dangerous at worst.  Our perspectives are quickly skewed by that which bucks against our ideals.  We see according to our natural tendencies.  The glass is half full, half empty, or missing altogether.  It is in this way we see what we want to see.  We measure another person's worth, and even our own, based on limited vision and ignorance.  We are Pollyanna or we are jaded.  Either way we are too often wrong.  There is a liberty that comes from having right perspective.

How can you know someone who is so flawed is also so beautiful? It would be so much simpler to act on only half-truth.  Pick a side and align your loyalty accordingly.  Ah, but we are not all good and all bad.  We were born in sin and in the Imago Dei at the same time.  Such contradiction finds its existance in every single soul.  And so you pray to see what needs to be seen.  When you see the whole truth -- not just the part you are hard-wired to respond to based on your personal tendency-- you align with the whole truth. You see with truth and grace.  And so you don't put limits on the future of a up-till-now wayward child.  You humbly give your difficult boss the credit for her great ideas... because she's hard to get along with, yes, but she's brilliant too.  And when your friends tell you they would have walked out a long time ago?  You stay.  

By God's grace you see past the obvious and through the veil.  This is mystery, and it is miracle.

"So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.
And the Lord-- Who is the Spirit-- makes us more and more
like Him as we are changed into His 
glorious image."
     2 Corinthians 3:18


Friday, September 11, 2015

Writer's Block Undone

I'm here.  At our library's patio table, in 90 degree heat, listening to the jolting ruckus of construction trucks on the street below.  It's been something like three years since I've blogged.  The kids are inside gathering research for history papers and debate.  They are big now, the kids.  A lot has happened in three years... too much to catch up on.  We will just have to begin again with where we are now.
I know there's a lot I'll write about in this space.  This was a good space to share who we are and what we're up to.  I had good reasons to let the blog(s) sit dormant for a few years.  Someday I'm sure I'll share more about that right here in this very space, but today is not that day.

What I will say, is that story is important, even when it's just my own.  It's taken me a long time to understand that.  It's taken a long time for those words not to feel indulgent and self-absorbing.  Each of the last years since moving out West, I have been blessed to be able to go back East and visit with my family.  Some of the most precious times of my year are funneled into the short spans of time I have gotten to sit with my daddy, in matching rockers, on a back porch overlooking the Great Smoky Mountains.  We usually have our Bibles, devotionals and coffee on a table inbetween us.  Sometimes we don't even talk much.  It's communication at it's finest.  I have learned many great truths and habits of character from my dad.  I could fill pages and pages with all he has taught me.  Maybe someday I will, but for now I will leave you with this:

It's never too late to start.

Daddy on the porch.


Monday, September 24, 2012

Just Another Manic Monday

It's Monday, but not manic.  :)
We try not to do manic here.  The kiddos are entrenched in the assignments and studies of the day.  I am getting ready to power down the laptop and power up my arms and legs and brain.  There are writing assignments to edit, spelling rules to reinforce, history lessons to read, math the check (and then re-check)... you get the picture.  There is laundry, toilets, counters, floors, etc. to be cleaned.  There is a multitude of paper work and books needing attention.  There are appointments to be made.
It's just stuff.... not worth putting into words, but since I don't facebook, I thought I'd share mundane, needless, personal details right here!  

But the real reason for posting this morning is to count my gifts.... out loud.  :)

~ the friends and family that have loved on my mama during this time of uncertainty and trial.*

~ a pumpkin candle that really does make the whole kitchen smell like pumpkin

~ sickness that is short-lived, but long enough to remind me how blessed we are

~ being absolutely certain of what I do NOT want to do

~ the way He woos me to Himself, when.... why should He?

~ a new church.... maybe not THE church, but a place where we are learning about...
~ the possibility of being in missional community with others
~ what it might look like to focus outwardly
~ how the Holy Spirit can show up even if the music is way too loud

~ how beauty on the inside SO determines what is seen from the outside
~ how you can ride that truth in a lot of different directions all to the same great end

~ God's imagination

~ figuring out what's worthwhile 
~ figuring out what's not
~ knowing all the figuring comes from Him:  Thank You Lord!!!

~ how counting blessings nurtures contentment
~ how that is an awesome universal truth
~ Jesus, the Source of all truth
~ the privilege of showing others all of the above

~ how we can't be good at everything, but at just a few
~ how knowing this simplifies so much

** Please continue to pray for my mama.  We discovered her cancer is stage III.   She will begin chemo in a few weeks, most likely.  Please pray with us for complete healing, and that she will find the Lord faithful to meet her every need.  

Monday, September 17, 2012

For When You Break the Mold

Fitting in has never been easy for me.  I've just always been a little weird.  Really.  It's not something I'm proud of.  I've fought it time and again.  And I imagine, actually, that quite a lot of folks feel this way.  I may be weird, but as it turns out, not so original.  

So what do you do when your not like everyone else and you wonder if that's OK?

I'm not a teacher, and this isn't gospel, but it's what I have to offer:

Be in the Word.  This might seem obvious, but I want to qualify it:  Be in the Word alone.
I'm not suggesting anyone stop studying scripture corporately.  Heavens no!  As I wrote last week, we can't forsake the fellowship of believers.  That includes learning together and gleaning from those who are smarter than you.  BUT... at the end of the day, you've got to wrestle with His truth alone.  You've got to read it as you would read it.  You've got to ask the Holy Spirit to correct your blind spots and you've got to trust that He can speak to you directly, because the people that are generally smarter than you are specifically wrong about one thing or another at some time or another. 

Confess and repent.  As you come to terms with those aforementioned blind spots, confess them,  and apply all the scriptural instruction you can find in changing your course.  Sometimes we break the mold, not because we are unique and special, but because we are just. wrong.  If we can trust the Holy Spirit to convict us, we can trust Him to help us change.

And consider this:  You are no longer a slave to sin.  That doesn't mean you will no longer accomplish the devil's work, but he is not your master.  You've been freed not just from something, but
for something.

Accept that He created you as you are.  Live in peace, not with your sin, but with yourself.  You are not your sin.  Yes, you can separate yourself from it, and when you do, what is left is who you are.  Accept that person.  He loves that person very, very much.  He sacrificed much for her.
And there is no inner you and outer you, there's just you.  It would be gnostic to say otherwise, so don't.  Perhaps if you have trouble finding beauty in yourself, you have a skewed understanding of beauty.  Perhaps you should ask Him to broaden your understanding of goodness and beauty and what it really means to have been created in His image.  If you've been shooting fiery darts of insult towards your own reflection (either physical or spiritual), you've insulted God Himself.  You've also proven yourself to be self-absorbed.  Go back to step 2, and confess and repent.

Finally, in the words of Elisabeth Elliot:  Do the next thing.
Get on with your living, let go of what you wish was different about you or your life.  Live the cards your dealt with joy.  You can't live 100 different lives, you only get one.  Spend it well.  If you're a fighter do it righteously and with courage.  If you are a peacemaker, make peace!  Don't wish you could fight better.  If you are short, be happy for the opportunity to see people at your level and for the built in humility that such stature affords.  If you're tall, look out towards the horizon and see what others can't and lead them where they couldn't go without you.  Whatever you do, don't wish to be doing something different from what you're doing now.  Change does come, and sometimes, even dramatically.... but it is accomplished through a series of "next things".  So do what is in front of you, and be who you are right now.

You don't have to be comfortable in a mold, but you do need to be comfortable in your own skin.

And here's counting some of the many blessings come my way:

~ my mother coming through surgery well, and recovering
~ my sisters surrounding her with love and care
~ knowing so many prayers were lifted up on my sweet mama's behalf

~ Holy Spirit direction that doesn't always feel like 'direction'

~ watching my girl steal home on a slide to win the game for her team

~ the most beautiful, warm September weather I've experienced while living in Oregon

~ having my children close to me

~ learning to see with His vision
~ learning to let go 
~ learning to avoid old rabbit trails 

~ books to educate
~ books to entertain
~ books to ponder
~ books to initiate change

~ the chance to love